DAVE

How the bloody (BLEEP) did you bloody (BLEEP)in' do that anyway?

SPIKE

My secret is bloody simple really, I don't know (BLEEP) from nothin'; so I only sign (BLEEP)in'
acts that I think other bloody morons like myself would (BLEEP)in' appreciate, which brings
me to these lads. Say hello to The (BLEEP)s.

THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THE REST OF THE BOOTH AND PUNK GROUP, THE (BLEEP)S, A ROUGH LOOKING CREW OF TATTOOED GUYS WITH SPIKED HAIR AND PIERCINGS. THEY GRUMBLE GREETINGS.

DAVE

Hey guys, love your CD! It reminds me of Operation Ivy with just a dash of early Joy Division.

(BLEEP) #1

One time, like a while ago, I used to have a Joy Division t-shirt, but I dunno what the hell happened to it.

DAVE

Wow! What a coincidence. I had one too. That, my friend, is destiny.

(BLEEP) #2

The group agrees that displaying a raw sexual image, you know naked birds,
bananas and fruit and all that bit, is mandatory for videos and (BLEEP)...

SPIKE

...But we don't feel it's a (BLEEP)in' necessity for bloody commercial success.

MIKE APPEARS. DAVE, DELIGHTED TO BE RESCUED, LEAPS TO HIS FEET.

DAVE

Amazing! Mike and I were just saying that.

WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT MIKE BACKS HIS FRIEND UP.

MIKE

Just this morning and, well last night actually, but it was after midnight
so it was this morning, uh, we have opinions on it as well.

DAVE

Mike Lawless, head of promotion, Spike Caballero, and my newest signing, The (BLEEP)s.

THEY SHAKE

MIKE

Spike, of course, uh, we met at, what was it the Black Keys party?

SPIKE

Pizza Hut, Newark Airport.

MIKE (laughs)

Right, extra cheese!

(to Dave)

You think you can break away for a second. Eddie needs us, says it's important.

DAVE STANDS AND POINTS TO THE GROUP AND MANAGER.

DAVE

Hold those bloody (BLEEP)in' thoughts, be right back.

THEY WALK TOWARD THE EXIT.

MIKE

Can you say The (BLEEP)s on TV?

DAVE

Its cable you can say anything.

MIKE

No (BLEEP)!

FADE OUT:

SCENE TWO:

INT: STOCKROOM

CASES OF BEER ARE STACKED UP AGAINST THE WALL. A WORK LIGHT HANGS FROM THE CEILING.

EDDIE, WEARING ONLY HIS BOXER SHORTS ADDRESSES DAVE AND MIKE.

EDDIE

You're gonna (BLEEP)in' love this, it's brilliant! I've come up with
a new opening of Satanica's stage show!

EDDIE PACES AND IS VERY ANIMATED AS HE SPEAKS.

DAVE

What's wrong with their old opening?

MIKE

Yeah, the one where they come out on stage and start playing their songs.

HE PUTS ON THE RED PANTS OF HIS SANTA OUTFIT, AND MOVES AROUND THE ROOM.

EDDIE
You said it, it's old! They have to open up with something spectacular! Check this out;

(WE SEE WHAT HE DESCRIBES)
The 5 Satin's 1956 hit "In The Still Of The Night" fills the sound system. On stage, parked under a weeping willow is a '57 Chevy convertible, rocking gently to the rhythm of the night. A teenage couple is in the back seat sharing the wonders of adolescent passion.

HE HOLDS A PILLOW TO HIS STOMACH AND TOSSES A ROLL OF DUCK TAPE TO MIKE.

EDDIE

Help me with this.

MIKE WRAPS THE TAPE AROUND THE PILLOW AND THE MAN.
(WE SEE WHAT HE DESCRIBES)
Suddenly we hear an announcer cut into the song. "We interrupt this program to bring you an important news bulletin!" Thunder is heard! The willow tree, caught in a violent wind, waves like a flag in the night. The jolted couple pops up and stares at the radio. "Run for your lives! Satanica are coming!" Petrified, the couple dart out of the car and off stage. A tremendous roar is heard; massive streams of smoke rain down on the Chevy; the ground shakes; dust rises as a saucer shaped spacecraft descends crushing the car! Pyrotechnics flash as the ship opens like a giant clam. Satanica appears and launch into their bombastic first number!

BACK IN THE ROOM THE GUYS LOOK AT HIM LIKE HE'S NUTS. HE SLIPS ON HIS SANTA JACKET

EDDIE

That's how you open a Mother(BLEEP)in', God damn hot (BLEEP) rock concert!

HE PUTS A SANTA CAP ON HIS HEAD.

EDDIE

How do I look?

DAVE

Like a raving lunatic.

EDDIE

(BLEEP)holes!

MIKE

Festive though, a festive raving lunatic.

DAVE

I think the bleep gag is getting played out.

EDDIE

Really?

DAVE

Little bit, and I don't think you had to bleep (BLEEP)holes.

EDDIE

(BLEEP) it. Next scene.

FADE OUT:

SCENE THREE:

INT. BAR
THAD, WEARING A THREE PIECE SUIT, STANDS WITH HENRY ROLLINS AND SEVERAL OTHER GUESTS AS A BUSTY BABE WEARING A TIGHT T-SHIRT FEATURING A PHOTO OF JOHN LENNON PUSHES HER WAY THROUGH THEM.

THAD

Another year over and what have you done?

ROLLINS

He was so right wasn't he? When's the New Year, in like 2 weeks?

THAD

Correct, you had better start working on your resolutions.

ROLLINS

New Year's resolutions! If we were honest we'd call them
New Year's bull(BLEEP) that we'll forget by the weekend.

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

ROLLINS
Stop smoking, lose weight, find Mr. Right, change careers, its all bull(BLEEP)! None of it will happen, you know it and I know it. So on New Years Eve light up a Camel, eat pizza with extra cheese,
get drunk, and (BLEEP) the first person you can find who's not vomiting!

LAUGHTER AS THAD AND HENRY TAP FISTS.

THAD

Precisely my activities last New Year's Eve.

ROLLINS

Good for you.

THAD

By the way I think we could have substituted the word screw instead of bleeping the other word.

ROLLINS

Yes, but on the DVD when all the bleeps are removed you want the real word in there.

THAD

Good point.

FADE OUT:

SCENE FOUR:

EXT. BACK ALLEY.
VAG ITCH MUSIC IS HEARD FROM INSIDE AS SANTA EDDIE SHARES A DOOBIE WITH DAVE. MIKE, EVER PARANOID DECLINES AND LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY.

EDDIE

I need you guys to fly to Philly and talk to Satanica. They open there tomorrow night.

MIKE

We just got back! We were out with Vomitub all month.

EDDIE

And you did a hell of a job, but we have a problem, my ex is selling her share of the company.

MIKE

To who?

EDDIE

Fukiama Foods, the largest exporter of frozen sushi in the world.

MIKE

What does that mean?

EDDIE

It means they are extremely successful in selling, marketing and shipping frozen fish.

MIKE

I mean, what effect will this have on us?

EDDIE

Well, as you know, sometimes when there's a corporate takeover the
bastards fire everyone and put their own people in.

MIKE

You don't think that will happen here, do you?

EDDIE

Probably.

DAVE (coughs)

Hey, if I get fired I'll be unemployed.

EDDIE

That's why I'm sending you guys out on the road. You start in Philly.
Satanica are on tour with Ozzy Osborne.

MIKE

So what are we supposed to do?

EDDIE

Get them that new opening idea. Let them know we have big plans for them, that we love them,
that we are the backbone of Reject, and therefore responsible for their success.

DAVE

That's true for every act on the label.

EDDIE

Right and in the next few weeks I want you guys to enlighten them all. They in turn will
make this known to the new owners, and we'll all keep our gigs.

EDDIE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND THE GUYS AGAIN.

EDDIE

Remember; approach the quest for enlightenment with patience. For it is only in the
questioning of that which is locked in one's consciousness that the mystery of existence
reveals itself like the dawn of ten thousand mornings.

DAVE

The Dali Lama?

EDDIE

Moody Blues.

FADE OUT:

SCENE FIVE:

INT: SERVICE BAR
FLEA AND ANTHONY KIEDIS OF THE CHILI PEPPERS STROLL BY CHATTING WITH HENRY ROLLINS AND OLGA, WHO IS WEARING A HOT LOW, CUT NUMBER.

ROLLINS (laughs)

Woodstock 3? It looked like the aftermath of an N.B.A. Championship.

ANTHONY

The kids had fun, no?

ROLLINS

Spring break at Altamont.

OLGA

I wanted to see your set, but I got dosed with some bad acid.

ANTHONY

How bad?

OLGA

In a Port-O-San the aroma had a face.

FLEA

Bummer!

THEY LAUGH AND WALK ON REVEALING MIKE'S WIFE, LORI, SIPPING ON A DRINK AND STANDING ALONE. A SMILING MIKE ARRIVES.

MIKE

Having fun?

LORI

Where the hell have you been?

MIKE

Eddie needed me.

LORI

This is supposed to be a holiday party. You leave me all alone?

MIKE

I'm sorry, look the thing is, Dave and I have to go out on the road for a few days.

LORI

When?

MIKE

Tomorrow.

LORI

Tomorrow? You said we'd do our Christmas shopping this weekend!

MIKE

I'm sorry. It's an emergency.

LORI

What are you a fireman?

MIKE

It will be a short trip.

SHE WALKS.

LORI

Happy (BLEEP)in' holidays!

HE FOLLOWS.

MIKE

Is that nice? Is that a nice thing to say with food all around?

FADE OUT:

SCENE SIX:

INT. PIZZA BAR
GUESTS LINE UP AS COOKS IN APRONS AND CHEF HATS SERVE UP MANY VARIETIES OF PIZZA BY THE SLICE. LITTLE STEVEN VAN ZANDT HOLDS COURT WITH RAY DAVIES AND KURT LODER.

KURT (to Steven)

"Hey little girl I don't want you around no more..."

STEVEN

Syndicate Of Sound from San Jose, California, Spring of '66.

THEY TAP FISTS AS KURT LOOKS AT RAY.

KURT

Is he the best?

RAY

Brilliant.

SANTA EDDIE WALKS UP BEHIND STEVEN.

EDDIE

Just when I thought I was out!

STEVEN FACES HIM, SMILES, AND WAVES HIS FINGER.

STEVEN

Don't go there.

THEY EMBRACE. THEN EDDIE DOES THE SAME WITH RAY AND KURT.

EDDIE

Ray Davies! 1965, Dick Clark's Caravan of Stars, The Kinks,
Question Mark and the Mysterians, The Orphans, 6 other groups, one freakin' bus!

RAY (laughs)

And I had to drive!

THEY LAUGH.

EDDIE

It was either you or Little Stevie Wonder.

THEY LAUGH.

KURT

You didn't just say that.

EDDIE

No, it's Van Zandt, in addition to everything else he's a ventriloquist.

STEVEN SHRUGS AS EDDIE HUGS HIM WITH AFFECTION.

EDDIE

Why ain't you eatin'?

STEVEN (indicates)

Not for nuthin', but this white pizza...I mean, pizza without tomato sauce ain't pizza.

EDDIE

No? Then what is it?

STEVEN (shrugs)

It's more like, you know, an open-faced grilled cheese sandwich.

THEY ALL LAUGH.

FADE OUT:

SCENE SEVEN

INT. BAR
MIKE IS WITH LORI WHO IS DRINKING. A WAITER ARRIVES WITH A TRAY OF CHAMPAGNE. SHE GRABS ANOTHER ONE AND DOWNS IT.

MIKE

Why are you doing this?

LORI

It's a party darling. Do you know what I'll be doing while you're partying on the road?

MIKE

It's a business trip.

LORI

I'll be in our little apartment with some mistletoe, a bottle of Stoli, and a vibrator named Jimi.

THE CAMERA PANS TO THE STAGE WHERE VAG ITCH CONTINUE THEIR FRENZIED SET OF CHRISTMAS STANDARDS PUNK STYLE. A SMALL MOSH PIT HAS FORMED.

FADE OUT:

SCENE EIGHT:

INT. BUFFET TABLE
DAVE IS IN LINE WITH BX, REJECT'S MOST SUCCESSFUL HIP HOP ARTIST. HE WEARS MUCHO BLING BLING AND IS SURROUNDED BY TWO LARGE BALD BLACK BODYGUARDS. THEY ALL SAMPLE FOODS FROM THE ELABORATE SPREAD.

BX

Solutions are the mutha (BLEEP)in' answers, see. Answers are the mutha (BLEEP)in' solutions,
but there ain't no solution without a mutha (BLEEP)in' question. Namean?

DAVE

Do I know what you mean? Is that what...

BX

Yo! Volman wants to treat me like every other (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) on this
stinkin' ass label. Can't play that (BLEEP) wid me.

DAVE

Why do you think...?

BX

See, me and my peoples is concerned with the overabundance
of questions regarding our relationship with Reject.

DAVE

Speaking of questions. I have one. What are you talking about?

BX

Dawg! Let me assist you here. The answer is champagne.

DAVE

Champagne?

BX

The question that you should have asked me when I arrived is,
what would you like to drink B?

DAVE

B, it's an open bar!

BX
See, you Reject people are fucked up. Snoop Dog, Tupac, Cube, Busta and now B, that's me!
The entire Hip Hop situation was propelled to a new level of intensity with the arrival of me.

OLGA ARRIVES AND PUTS THE MOVES ON BX.

OLGA

Happy holidays B.

BX

Wassup?

OLGA

I was just going for some champagne. Care to join me?

B HANDS HIS PLATE OF FOOD TO DAVE, TAKES OLGA'S ARM AND WALKS OFF. THE BODYGUARDS FOLLOW.

BX

Now this is what I'm talking about. The artist and label must be compatible.

DAVE (TO CAMERA)

We were gonna do this whole gun thing, and everybody duckin' the bullets and all,
but the writers thought it might be considered to heavy-handed.

TWO OLDER GUYS, THE WRITERS ENTER.

RAY

It seemed to racist to me.

LEON

Gunplay doesn't happen when a bunch of rappers are at a party. That's what you're saying to me?

RAY

Can't we do a show without (BLEEP)in' violence? And no, it doesn't happen every time.

LEON

All I know is when I was a kid The Four Tops didn't shoot at The Temptations.

THEY WALK ON

RAY

I wrote that line.

LEON

I know.

RAY

Good line.

LEON

(BLEEP)in brilliant!

FADE OUT:

SCENE TEN

INT. ARCHWAY
MIKE AND THE TIPSY LORI CHAT WITH THAD, AND THE LABEL'S ONLY RASTAFARIAN ARTIST, RAS KING.

RAS

See the fans didn't know if Ganja was the name of the CD, the group,
or the concept. In fact, it was all three.

MIKE
It was a great CD title, a pretty good name for a band, but as a concept?

THAD

It's simplicity made it too difficult for the public to comprehend.

LORI

I think you're all full of (BLEEP).

UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER.

THAD

Incredible sense of humor.

RAS

I'm curious to hear the lovely lady's opinion.

LORI

Oh yeah? There's something I'm curious about too.

RAS

Yes?

LORI (indicates dreadlocks)

You ever hear of cream rinse?

RAS

Are they a reggae band?

UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER.

LORI

Seriously, what the (BLEEP)'s up with your head? Is there a nest up there?

MIKE LEADS HER AWAY.

MIKE

Sorry, I think someone dosed the eggnog.
(He looks directly into the camera)

So, dear reader, there you go, you get the idea. The thing was supposed to be animated so anything could happen. Think "Family Guy," "Simpsons," that kind of thing. This script is only a first draft, not a shooting script. We just put it in here to give you an idea about the humor. Many more site gags and all that would be added to the final script. By the way if Seth McFarland or anyone else wants to do the show we'll be happy to sell it to you and then let you run with it. No problem at all. Oh, and if you know Seth or someone who might want to do this thing please let them know about it and give them the address. We'll take care of you if you know what I mean. Hey, sure they might steal the whole idea, but it's right here for everybody to see, isn't it? We kinda could prove that we came up with it. Duh! Anyway, I'm just a fictitious character living my life in this deal and I think the guy writing this is going to stop now so I'll just say, see ya around. Peace.

FADE OUT: